The Greatest Jilling Off Mix You Will Ever Hear (Besides The One That Has Prince Tracks In It)

Ed. Note: i will be the first to admit this mix is sorely lacking for one main reason--to quote the Bard, it ain't got no Prince. However, as His Royal Badness is well known for litigating the bejesus out of blogs that post his stuff, we sadly will not be posting any of his music here. Yes, this should have "Darlin' Nikki," "Jack U Off," and "Sugar Walls," amongst others, but it doesn't. So we'll just have to get over it. Le sigh.

When i was i think a sophomore in college, i took a class entitled "Psychology of Human Sexuality." Got a C+ in the class, which haunts me to this day. Nobody wants to get a C+ in sex class. Teacher loved me, too, i just couldn't ace his tests.



Anywho, the first day of class, he had the entire class come up with slang terms for male and female genitalia and male and female masturbation. i remember very little of that class, other than a girl in the front of the class offering up "Jilling Off" as her part of the female masturbation portion. To this day, that phrase cracks me up.

And that's enough for me to put together The Greatest Jilling Off Mix You Will Ever Hear (Besides The One That Has Prince Tracks In It).

There's really only one Queen of the Female Masturbation Songs Song, and that would be Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop." Fortunately for you, we have three versions today--the original, a remake and a cover.

mp3: She Bop (Cyndi Lauper from Twelve Deadly Cyns... And Then Some)

mp3: She Bop (Cyndi Lauper from The Body Acoustic)

mp3: She Bop (Eden Automatic from Glimmer)

But the next one is a pretty close second.

mp3: (When I Think About You) I Touch Myself (The Divinyls from Divinyls)

If you want the truth, go see Richard.

mp3: Masturbating (Richard Pryor from Evolution - Revolution The Early Years (1966-1974))

Another "iffy" for the list, in that it talks more about not getting any, but lawd almighty, it's a funny one.

mp3: Everybody's Fucking But Me (Asylum Street Spankers from Dirty Ditties)

Who doesn't love Bernadette Peters? Nobody. Not even your grandfather.

mp3: Making Love Alone (Bernadette Peters from Sondheim, Etc. )

Tori Amos is one weird chick, which i suppose is why we dig her.

mp3: Icicle (Tori Amos from Under the Pink)

Perry Farrell throws us a curve ball in this, our only track about masturbating someone else. And seriously, can you think of a better way to spend the evening? Doubtful.

mp3: Orgasm (Porno for Pyros from Porno for Pyros)

The original by the Vapors arguably is about a guy rubbing one out, but since Ms. Phair is singing this cover, let's assume it's about slippery fingers this time.

mp3: Turning Japanese (Liz Phair from Juvenilia)

Two from ladies whose names begin with "P." And what does that tell us? Absolutely nothing.

mp3: Diddle my Skittle (Peaches from Teaches of Peaches)

mp3: Fingers (Pink from I'm Not Dead)

And our hip hop entry for the day...

mp3: Toyz Interlude/Toyz (Missy Elliott from This Is Not a Test)

i always thought this was more of a slow jam R&B reefer track, but with lines like, "I'll always think of you/Inside of my private thoughts/I can imagine you/Touching my private parts/With just the thought of you/I can't help but touch my self/That's why I want you so bad," i clearly was wrong.

mp3: You're Making Me High (Toni Braxton from Secrets)

We had to have one more ode to the art of dildonics. Thanks, Terence Trent D'arby, for being there to help us out in our time of need.

mp3: Vibrator (Terence Trent D'arby from Vibrator)

My most recent musical crush, it's good to hear LL singing about the self-interrogation.

mp3: Little Bit (Lykke Li from Youth Novels)

And what better way to end things than with a video game command.

mp3: Finish Her! (Mortal Kombat dialogue)

The Greatest 420 You Will Ever Hear Today, Part the Second

Well, if you're checking out this mix, you're either hell baked by now or on your way towards that destination. And to you, girls and boys, who have stuck with this habit, through good times and bad, through sticky buds and ditch weed duds, through dank and skank, your Uncle Terrible salutes you. For the rest of you, don't step on the grass, Sam. For the rest of us, let's go get stoned.

mp3: Five Hundred An Ounce (Reefer from Reefer)

mp3: Funny Cigarette (Asylum Street Spankers from Spanks for the Memories)

mp3: Virgin Girl (Smash Mouth from Half-Baked Soundtrack)

mp3: Cheeba Cheeba (Tone Lōc from Loc-ed After Dark)

mp3: Could I Buy Some Pot From You? (Pinto from Animal House)

mp3: Smoke Buddah (Redman from Muddy Waters)

mp3: Treez (Wu-Tang Clan from Mathematics Presents Wu-Tang Returns Mixtape)

mp3: Is This Weed? (Chris Tucker from Rush Hour)

mp3: Smoke Two Joints (Sublime from 40 Oz. to Freedom)

mp3: Ganja Babe (Michael Franti and Spearhead from Weeds--Music from the Original Series)

mp3: Weed (Katt Williams from Live: Let a Playa Play)

mp3: Ganja Street ft. George Clinton (Kim Manning aka Peaches from her MySpace)

mp3: Gummi Bears Theme, Dutch Version (Some Dutchy McDutcherson from the Dutch version of Disney's Gummi Bears, natch)*

mp3: Pot Smoking (Bill Hicks from Love, Laughter and Truth)

*If listening to the Gummi Bear theme song in Dutch doesn't automatically make you smile, well, you, sir or madam, are dead on the inside.

The Greatest Beard-a-Thon Mix You Will Ever Hear

So i don't really go into hockey here at LET, but never let it be said i am anything less than a 100%, 3/4 American, 1/4 Canuck Puck Head of the highest degree. i started playing street hockey when i was in grade school, broke my leg playing ice about two years ago and was playing in two adult rec leagues when my artery exploded. Being a Chicago native, i'm a huge Blackhawks fan, and even went to the outdoor game at Wrigley Field a couple of years back. Having lived in DC for the past decade-plus, i've become equally passionate about the Caps. Hell, i've had some kind of season ticket package since well before the Great 8, so you can only imagine the sheer joy i'm experiencing right now, just before either team starts down the path towards glory. i have not decided if a 'Hawks/Caps series for the Cup would be the greatest or worst thing i could imagine, but i'll tell you this--if either makes it that far, i will be at at least one game for either of my teams.

For the second year in a row, i've opted to join the Beard-a-Thon, which raises money to help keep kids with razor sharp blades and deadly sticks off the street and on the ice where they belong. i don't ask anyone to donate to LET because, quite frankly, my day job treats me pretty nicely, but if you've ever thought, "Man, Terrible Chris is constantly giving and giving, what ever could lowly I ever do for lordly him?"

Throw a few ducats towards the cause, and we'll call it even. Hell, if enough of you donate a buck, maybe i'll even place in the top ten. Or better, you cheap bastards whom i love dearly.

Here's the link not-so-subtly-hidden-like-above:

http://beardathon.com/capitals/oddbodkins/profile.aspx

Now, i had to start from scratch, and i'll be the first to admit i'm currently a light bulb in my mouth away from looking like Uncle Fester, but it's hardly a grow-a-thon if i started with my usual thickness.

To get you in the mood, here comes The Greatest Beard-a-Thon Mix You Will Ever Hear.

mp3: Shave 'Em Dry (Asylum Street Spankers from Spanks for the Memories)

mp3: A Beard of Stars (T. Rex from A Beard of Stars)

mp3: Beard Salesman (Monty Python from Life of Brian)

mp3: Beard (Blur from Parklife)

mp3: Every Curl of Your Beard (Michael Nyman from Carrington Soundtrack)

mp3: Beard Lust (Natalie Portman's Shaved Head from Glistening Pleasure)

mp3: Beard of Bees (Clem Snide from Hungry Bird)

mp3: Red-Beard (Vuk from The Plains)

mp3: Good, Ol' Hockey Game (Stompin' Tom Connors from And the Hockey Song)

Live Review: Asylum Street Spankers @ Jammin Java, July 13

Well, I broke my leg this past weekend playing ice hockey, so I wasn't sure I was going to make it to see the Austin's finest Asylum Street Spankers this past weekend. Fortunately for me, I was able to round up my grandmother's old wheel chair and make what turned out to be an always enjoyable performance by those madcap musicians.

For those of you unfamiliar with the band, they play old-timey country and blues, but with a definite contemporary feel and some borderline raunchy lyrics. You've got your steel guitar, stand-up bass, washboard, harmonica, jews harp, singing saw (gotta love the singing saw), a bit of the ol' jug--essentially, all the classic Americana instruments anyone could want. They had played a children's show earlier in the day, so it was obvious that the band was ready to open up a little during their night time performance. Of course, they played some favorites ("Winning the War on Drugs," "Beer") and, as usual, played a boatload of songs with which I was completely unfamiliar. The line-up tends to change every now and again, and the only two performers I definitely knew were Wammo and Christina Marrs, but I've got to say the current line-up is damn near stellar. Jakob Breitbach is the best damn fiddler I've seen in ages and Morgan Patrick Thompson was just as strong on the upright bass. Charlie King's take on Eastern chanting was not to be missed, either.

They played two sets, each lasting nearly an hour, and I have to say, I've never seen so small a crowd (less than 100 folks) make so much noise and get so into an act. It was obvious that a good time was had by all. The only low point of the evening for me was when I somehow managed to insert the disc I bought at the show actually between the car stereo and the dashboard, but I'm going to blame the Percocet on that one. Even breaking one's legs has its own advantages.