The Greatest Jilling Off Mix You Will Ever Hear (Besides The One That Has Prince Tracks In It)

Ed. Note: i will be the first to admit this mix is sorely lacking for one main reason--to quote the Bard, it ain't got no Prince. However, as His Royal Badness is well known for litigating the bejesus out of blogs that post his stuff, we sadly will not be posting any of his music here. Yes, this should have "Darlin' Nikki," "Jack U Off," and "Sugar Walls," amongst others, but it doesn't. So we'll just have to get over it. Le sigh.

When i was i think a sophomore in college, i took a class entitled "Psychology of Human Sexuality." Got a C+ in the class, which haunts me to this day. Nobody wants to get a C+ in sex class. Teacher loved me, too, i just couldn't ace his tests.



Anywho, the first day of class, he had the entire class come up with slang terms for male and female genitalia and male and female masturbation. i remember very little of that class, other than a girl in the front of the class offering up "Jilling Off" as her part of the female masturbation portion. To this day, that phrase cracks me up.

And that's enough for me to put together The Greatest Jilling Off Mix You Will Ever Hear (Besides The One That Has Prince Tracks In It).

There's really only one Queen of the Female Masturbation Songs Song, and that would be Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop." Fortunately for you, we have three versions today--the original, a remake and a cover.

mp3: She Bop (Cyndi Lauper from Twelve Deadly Cyns... And Then Some)

mp3: She Bop (Cyndi Lauper from The Body Acoustic)

mp3: She Bop (Eden Automatic from Glimmer)

But the next one is a pretty close second.

mp3: (When I Think About You) I Touch Myself (The Divinyls from Divinyls)

If you want the truth, go see Richard.

mp3: Masturbating (Richard Pryor from Evolution - Revolution The Early Years (1966-1974))

Another "iffy" for the list, in that it talks more about not getting any, but lawd almighty, it's a funny one.

mp3: Everybody's Fucking But Me (Asylum Street Spankers from Dirty Ditties)

Who doesn't love Bernadette Peters? Nobody. Not even your grandfather.

mp3: Making Love Alone (Bernadette Peters from Sondheim, Etc. )

Tori Amos is one weird chick, which i suppose is why we dig her.

mp3: Icicle (Tori Amos from Under the Pink)

Perry Farrell throws us a curve ball in this, our only track about masturbating someone else. And seriously, can you think of a better way to spend the evening? Doubtful.

mp3: Orgasm (Porno for Pyros from Porno for Pyros)

The original by the Vapors arguably is about a guy rubbing one out, but since Ms. Phair is singing this cover, let's assume it's about slippery fingers this time.

mp3: Turning Japanese (Liz Phair from Juvenilia)

Two from ladies whose names begin with "P." And what does that tell us? Absolutely nothing.

mp3: Diddle my Skittle (Peaches from Teaches of Peaches)

mp3: Fingers (Pink from I'm Not Dead)

And our hip hop entry for the day...

mp3: Toyz Interlude/Toyz (Missy Elliott from This Is Not a Test)

i always thought this was more of a slow jam R&B reefer track, but with lines like, "I'll always think of you/Inside of my private thoughts/I can imagine you/Touching my private parts/With just the thought of you/I can't help but touch my self/That's why I want you so bad," i clearly was wrong.

mp3: You're Making Me High (Toni Braxton from Secrets)

We had to have one more ode to the art of dildonics. Thanks, Terence Trent D'arby, for being there to help us out in our time of need.

mp3: Vibrator (Terence Trent D'arby from Vibrator)

My most recent musical crush, it's good to hear LL singing about the self-interrogation.

mp3: Little Bit (Lykke Li from Youth Novels)

And what better way to end things than with a video game command.

mp3: Finish Her! (Mortal Kombat dialogue)