The Greatest Zombie Mix Update You Will Ever Hear, Part the First

Well, what have you Bumpuses been up to lately? Not that you asked, you selfish bastard, but guess who honest to Dolomite almost died week before last? No shit, Chet. No shit. Seem I suffered a renal artery thrombosis and a resulting blood clot, which essentially fucked my right kidney all sorts of over, meaning i now have about half a right kidney. The rest is necrotic, so to answer your obvious question, yes, I am now part zombie. While the docs still are running a batter of tests and then re-testing the results of those, the way I figure it, since I've been out of the hospital for a bit over a week now and still appear to be predominately live and kickin', I'm giving myself pretty much a B+ on the whole recovery process, further proving just how awesomely excellent and excellently awesome I remain.

As part of the whole recovery from emergency invasive surgery process (did I mention they had to insert a stent in me to fix the aforementioned collapsed artery? Still checking to see if this qualifies me as a half human/half cyborg zombie or not.), I pretty much unplugged from the world until today. Well, I'm back now, you vultures, and I'm sure you're wondering where the hell the rest of your Mecha-Mix is. Keep your damn pants on, as here's The Update, Part the First. I wanted to get this all up prior to Halloween, but if you haven't had half your kidney strangled to death while you think you're merely suppressing the mother of all farts, you probably wouldn't understand.

Did I mention the pain meds? Remind me to later then.

Without further ado, the Update I keep going on and on about. A couple of you mentioned that the original submission was a tad lacking here and there, so I decided to complete the project and make you look like an asshole for ever questioning my by now obvious skills as the World's Greatest Mixtape Master in the Universe. Yeah, I know that's a borderline oxymoron, but guess what? I'm that fucking good.

mp3: Re: Your Brains (Jonathan Coulton from Thing-a-Week Two)

Longtime readers have long heard me rant rhapsodic on how great I think the Berkley Place blog is, but let's be serious for a second here. Chief muckety muck Ekko put together a zombie mix of his own. Did anyone on the planet really think he or she had the ability to compete against this one? Apparently Ekko did, and, of course, ours is far, far superior. Except maybe for this one song they posted, quite possibly the greatest inner-office memo on zombies ever set to music. Damn that bastard for beating me to the punch there. Guess what, though? Now it's in my mix, too, so I clearly continue to win.

mp3: Zombie Dance (The Cramps from Songs the Lord Taught Us)

As was pointed out in the comments section of the first part of the Zombie Mix Triumvirate, this was kind of a glaring omission. Well, problem solved now.

mp3: Walking with a Zombie (Army of Lovers from Massive Luxury Overdose)

The problem with zombie music in general is that it tends to fall into either the death metal or techno categories. Since this is the greatest zombie mix you will ever hear, however, I've avoided those pitfalls and bring to you the finest nut meat from the finest genres worldwide. This would be zombie music if zombie music were written by a Santana cover band.

mp3: She Was a Teenage Zombie (Murderdolls from Beyond the Valley of the Murderdolls)

Did someone ask for some ever so slightly hardcore zombie psychobilly? Well, tough shit, 'cuz that's what you're getting here regardless.

mp3: Infidel Zombie (The Dickies from the Nights in White Satin 7")

A. You wanted some actual early punk on this thing. B. The name "The Dickies" is funny to me.

mp3: El Zombie (Fauna from La Manita De Fauna)

Remember how I mentioned I was scouring the world for the finest and sometimes most obscure zombie music I could find? That's probably because I never said it, but still, if you wanted Latin electro dance hall music about the Undead, I've got your back right here.

mp3: Walk Like a Zombie (HorrorPops from Bring It On!)

I'm not entirely sure what accent she's using here, but it's close enough to We Were Promised Jetpacks to make me smile and that's good enough for this mix. I fucking love the Scots.

mp3: I Feel Like a Zombie (Modex from the I Feel Like a Zombie single)

For some reason, this reminds me of Ca Plane Pour Moi, otherwise known as the tune in European Vacation when the Griswolds are checking out the museum. See the aforementioned comment about the complete arbitrariness of my mix. And yet never, NEVER, question the fact that it is, in fact, the greatest one about zombies you will ever hear.

mp3: Zombie 13 (The Antique Toys from A Halloween Treat website freebie)

This is just a cover of the Cranberries tune, so I'm not entirely sure where the "13" comes into play, but anyone who gives away zombie goodies for free on their website definitely is going to get some love from me. It may or may not be of the goat variety, but you understand what I'm saying. Oh, and I really dig the cover art. Reminds me of this stuff, the collecting of which is one of my latest hobbies. And since guys missing half a kidney and on blood thinners apparently aren't encouraged to play hockey, I'm looking for all the new hobbies I can get.

mp3: Golden Spaceship Vs. Zombie Aliens (Captain Credible from NRK P3 Urørt)mp3: Zombie Pirates from Outer Space (The Swellers from End of Discussion)

And now you're going to realize just why this is the greatest zombie mix you will ever hear. I'm putting together musical suites for you here, bitches. Multiple songs about undead ETs. That's right, there were multiple songs about them out there, and I found them for you. Think about it, did either of your parents ever show you that kind of devotion? Of course not. Kneel before Zod, peeps. You dig what I'm saying.

mp3: Zombie Molestation (Raped by the Dead) (Lord Gore from The Autophagous Orgy)

mp3: Rape Zombie (The Bronx from The Bronx)

Yes, I did put together a zombie rape suite. More distrubing than that should be the fact that there are a minimum of two bands out there that had a meeting wherein everyone agreed that these were good ideas for songs.

mp3: Zomby Woof (Frank Zappa from Over-Nite Sensation)

It's Zappa, dude. 'Nuff said.

mp3: Bowray Zamurai (Samurai Zombies) (Sabbat from Karisma)

mp3: Night of the Samurai Zombies (Robot Ninja Dinosaur Bastards from Subhumanoid Meltdown)

mp3: Zombies Everywhere (Karate High School from Invaders)

mp3: Iron Zombie (Breakbot from Happy Rabbit)

Take a second and put your hand on the back of your head. Feel that hole there? Sorry about that, but that's where I just fucking blew your mind with a fucking KUNG-FU ZOMBIE SUITE. Alright, a track by Karate High School and one called Iron Zombie probably are pushing things, but you get the point. And I feel obligated to mention that the Sabbat here is the Japanese death metal band, not the English thrash band. And now you know, half the battle, etc.

mp3: Everybody's Got Some Time to Die Unless You're a Zombie (The Coke Dares from Feelin' Up)

Kind of hard to argue with logic like that.

mp3: Zombie Limbo Time (Beat Happening from Music to Climb the Apple Tree By)

I think we can all agree it simply was time for a bit of lo-fi.

mp3: Les Zombis Et Les Loups-Garous (Raffi from Corner Grocery Store)

Who else is going to end the first part of an update for the greatest zombie mix you will ever hear with a track by motherfucking Raffi but me? Nobody. Not even your grandfather. And that's why the mixtape title says it all, really.

While you're absorbing all the above, make sure to take deep breaths and drugs when necessary to try to keep your place in the universe intact. Don't say you haven't been warned throughout the entire process about just how damn good this thing was going to be.

And there's more to follow, so try not to let your heart explode or anything whilst you wait. Since I'm back in the saddle at least for the time being, expect my posts to get back to their near daily dosage, too.